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Hello,
Time has flown by since May for me, and I find it a bit difficult to write without the ignition of a question by one of you. But it seems like a good time to check in, so here I am.
The last few months I've been: traveling some, rehearsing a lot, planning things, designing lights and stages and new hardware/ways to play, then actually playing some shows, doing some dj sets, working on things that aren't music but envelops and holds the music, then also making some new music to balance it all out, having some great moments, like being back on stage playing music for you, some weird moments, like the days in between when i'm not really sure what to do with myself, and some down moments, so…living, essentially.
It's been beautiful to have COMBAT out in the world. It's funny how once I release a song it truly feels like it has nothing to do with me, like I truly and completely disassociate from it, in a poetic way. I dont think it’s negative but I really do disassociate, even though witnessing it gently reaching all the right corners, illuminating, holding, awakening, has been a beautiful thing. I heard and saw you sing it along with me -I am talking quite directly at you, Mutek audience- with your hands in small, but extremely powerful fists as you sang "no parar hasta quemarlo todo." Thank you for that moment. What a beautiful thing music is and how evident I feel its power to move us from one place to another.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the "why" of the things that I make, realizing when speaking -or writing- I tend to focus on the "how" instead of the “why.” I think I make music -and live my life- extremely intuitively, and although I would think the "why" is present in my process and guides it in a non verbal and non rational way, when it comes to speaking about my work with others, or answering questions about it, I immediately go to the "how". It is easier to talk about that side: less emotions, more technical, black and white, zeros and ones, knowledge, solid and reliable technical knowledge, sound/electricity, etc. but the "why"... fuck's sake thats not only hard to talk about but genuinely hard to find an answer for.
In the past if someone asked me "why do you make music?" I would have rolled my eyes, sighed, felt annoyed, thought to myself “what a stupid infantile question” and not answered truthfully, prob just laugh and shake it off. Today, I asked myself and actually wondered if I was capable of finding an answer. No luck so far, but I dont think it's a bad thing. That even though I've literally dedicated my life to this thing: to making music I have never and still don't have an answer to why I do it, because I still think that's better than having the wrong answer, and because I think the fact that I do it without knowing why is an extremely powerful thing in itself. But still...it's an interesting question, and I will keep looking for answers, or simply keep asking myself. Because I'm finding lately that I can pose questions, and especially pose questions in what I make without having answers. I can make music out of a place of not-knowing-why and it will still be… music.
So yeah, not much new to report except the above: asking myself questions and sharing them with you. I just finished my last dj set of the summer. Getting a bit of a hang of dj sets (which btw make me question every single cell of my being) and I will make it clear once again: no matter how much I dj, I am a musician first and foremost. And nothing -nor djing nor anything else- will ever take the place in my life, heart or soul of a live performance, with instruments, mistakes, the human voice, the incomparability to absolutely anything else and every single thing we share in those moments.
(Can you tell I've been getting ready to talk about something I've made?)
love,
Ela.
P.S: Synth History is working on a documentary about… me and my creative process. The entire documentary will come out in 2025. But we published the first tease yesterday. I am a fan of Danz and what she does with Synth History and I am so very proud to have called her attention in a way that made her make a documentary about me. <3
PS2: I have started updating my track ids playlist again on spotify, an entirely fresh new batch is up now and I will be updating it regularly again.
PS3: For those of you in NY I am coming baccckkk to play a LIVE SHOWWW for the first time in what has felt like foreverrrrrrrr. Please come join me? I'm in great company on a beautiful lineup.